Jul 06
Please bear with me I have an incredibly odd situation. The guy that I’m with is the same guy I’ve been with for 3 years. However there was a brief period where we broke up for a few months. In those few months I became friends with his ex. We hung out between about January and May. So it was a decent amount of time to get to know one another.
In normal circumstances this would be odd. You don’t just become friends with your ex’s ex. (It just sort of happened. She messaged me one day about a month or so after we broke up wanting to know if it was true and if I was pregnant.) In this situation though, its even worse. See when the two of them were 14 they had a baby! It was a huge drama of course and it basically ended up with her leaving him and refusing to ever let him see their daughter. He’s been trying for 4 years to get her to make some peace and she won’t. (He really didn’t do anything to be kept away, she just hates him. She told me so herself) So you can see why its really impossible for me to be friends with both.
Anyway, my guy and I have decided to get married. Our wedding is set for August. He also filed for parental rights as soon as he turned 18. So I have a looming role as a step mom. I really **** that the friendship with his ex had to end, and that its only going to get worse as his visitation starts with his daughter. I was reading through an old journal that I kept and I read that parts that I wrote about how bad I felt for his ex. She is quite a troubled girl. She sleeps around a lot and has low self esteem. People look down on her for having a kid so young and people quit being her friend because she treated my fiance so badly. She doesn’t get why, and she doesn’t have good friends who won’t betray her. I have been blessed with really good friends and I have a soft heart that always wants to reach out to people who haven’t been as blessed as me. This girl hates me now because I got back with my guy and because I support him in seeing his daughter. I’ve said some really mean things to her when we got into fights. It’s not that she didn’t start it and say mean things to me, but I still shouldn’t have reacted like that. I want to write her a letter or send her an email to try to express my feelings, but I don’t know how she’ll take it. She’s convinced that I’m just a heartless b**ch who is trying to take her daughter. It isn’t like that. I want this to be a peaceful situation. So should I try to tell her what I’m thinking or not?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
u should!
u sound like a very good and peaceful individual.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
If it was me i would stay away from his ex. Its not going to do any good for your relationship with your fiancee. She is in the past so leave her there.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:28 am
If you are going to be married to this boy, and he is going to be a part of his daughter’s life, then you are going to be a part of her life too.
So YES, you need to do your best to make peace with her mother.
You are all SO young that I would suggest you get mentors or parenting coaches involved if at all possible — maybe through your church or school or other community resource.
I sincerely wish ALL of you the best of luck, Honey!
xoxoxo
July 17th, 2009 at 5:37 am
You have nothing to lose. Send her an email expressing how you feel and get everything off your chest. If she still doesn’t want to be friends, that’s her loss. She can think whatever she wants of you, but you can at least try to prove her wrong.
July 18th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Sometimes when I am in your situation I write an unsent letter. I write down all the things that annoy me and put them under my pillowand sleep on it for a night or two. I dont address it to anyone and I dont show anyone. I write all my feelings. This helps air all the aminosity that I feel and it makes me feel a heap better. When it has cleared your need to re read the letter to make sure you still feel the same way. If you do go and see her face to face is always better then theres no he said she said and air the way you feel. Be vigilant if you ask her the way you want her to speak to you then you will get the response you need. It could also heel the aminosity that she feels towards you and your partner. If it still doesnt help then I suggest you leave it for awhile
GOOD LUCK
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:34 am
i as well have a soft heart but you can’t help those who don’t want help.
to answer your question,send nothing but if you will not feel right until you do then send an email and mail a copy to yourself so later she can’t say you were harassing her
good luck and good bless you
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
My advice, don’t get married to this guy, don’t send that girl a letter, and seek counseling. Seriously, read what you wrote and this all sounds so jerry springer. Move on and find someone who doesn’t have all this baggage. Your life is going to be hell if you marry this guy, just a warning…
July 25th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Do not send her anything. go on with your life and be knid to your step-child. She may grow up one day and realize that she is acting immature, but you can not help her with that.